Saturday 6 June

  • E and I stayed in bed until 10am! Andy for a change was the first up. Pancakes followed. Despite this long sleep, I felt pretty lethargic most of the day.
  • We took a trip to Holyrood Park. It was a bit strained because of our lethargy, Eilidh’s energy, and her determination to go wherever and do whatever she wanted, leading to loud grumping and whining. However Andy – becoming quite the ornithologist – spotted a woodpecker baby in a hole in a tree and the parent coming to feed it.
  • Had some spare sour cream so that necessitated baking a chocolate cake that used it in the recipe. It went straight in the freezer since we really don’t need more cake right now.
  • Cut my hair this evening. Think I’ve gone a touch too short this time, but hey, it won’t take long to grow back. Expect the usual newly-dyed pictures in tomorrow’s update.

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Friday 5 June

  • Worked 8:30-2 with a couple of breaks.
  • First break: hot filled rolls from the cafe at the bottom of our street, which reopened this morning for takeaway.
  • Second break: collection of a box of tray bakes based around Kinder confectionary, from a cake shop in Leith.
  • Meanwhile Andy took Eilidh on a buggy walk, as he has been doing, around the Water of Leith, and was very excited to see a Kingfisher.
  • Afternoon we all just chilled at home. Windy and a bit drizzly outside.

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Thursday 4 June

  • I seem to be back in the low-energy mode where I feel lousy, want to nap, can’t be bothered going out at all. Could it really just be the change in the weather? Or the hard work catching up with me?
  • Eilidh has been in a bad mood most of the day so it’s been a difficult day for all of us. She refused to eat her dinner, even though it was things she usually likes, and I got pretty worked up about it. It seems to be happening more lately and I just don’t know what I should do. She ended up having a couple of crackers and a banana.
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Wednesday 3 June

  • Yesterday: I opted for a late start to work, since the best of the weather was forecast for the morning, and took Eilidh to St Marks Park. Sure enough, the weather has become chilly and even a bit rainy since then. And with it, my energy levels have plummeted. Work was fairly relentless and I ended up with tension pains in my neck, jaw and head. I fell alseep on the sofa during the evening.

  • Today: work has been much the same. I don’t seem to be dealing with it very well and I think it’s anxiety about not being able to deliver as fast as people are needing. Everyone is under pressure. Having said that, I had some great feedback on my recent work from some Very Important People. That felt pretty good!
  • Got some pastries and bread from a fancy bakery this morning. A lot more places are now getting the courage to open up for takeaway. I also picked up our third order of Spanish food, and finally managed to get to the chemist for our prescriptions. I didn’t get to take Eilidh anywhere, but the weather wasn’t great anyway. I finished work feeling awful and had to lie down and doze for a bit before dinner.

Fancy baked goods

Spanish food

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Monday 1 June

  • Work was so busy I didn’t find a moment to get to the chemist for my hay fever prescription and by the time I finished my 6 hours my chest felt tight with tension. I had to stop at 3pm as Andy was busy doing an online workshop. Took Eilidh to Silverknowes for a long walk. That helped a bit. Then another hour and a half of work in the evening.
  • I was thinking about loopholes in the toddler brain that parents exploit. Distractibility is a big one. Snap them out of a looming meltdown by showing them something they find irresistibly interesting or funny. I often do this with Eilidh, and I can often make her laugh at the same time that she’s crying and wailing and shouting. If I’m lucky the fun will win over altogether. Anyway, another very strange loophole I’ve discovered recently is that when she’s refusing to eat her dinner, if I give her something to eat that she really really likes, she will willingly accept spoonfuls of the dinner in-between mouthfuls of the more favoured item. Even if it clashes horribly. This evening she was kicking up a fuss about eating her chilli, I gave her a French fancy, and she polished off the chilli while holding the cake and occasionally taking bites of it. Maybe it’s just a variation of the distraction thing – give her something really yummy and she can no longer focus on rejecting the other food? I would have thought chilli would completely ruin the enjoyment of cake and vice versa, but seemingly not! It’s a loophole and I will exploit it 😀 💪🏻

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Sunday 31 May

  • Pancake breakfast, then a lovely walk with Eilidh around sunny St Marks Park. To say my mood is holding out despite halving my citalopram dose, is an understatement. Just so much to be joyful about at the moment. Warm sunny weather always seems to fill me with energy. I live in a place with so many gorgeous outdoor spots nearby, some of which are hidden gems – I’m not missing shops or trampoline parks or cafes at all right now. And I enjoy everything so much more with Eilidh. She may be emotionally difficult to manage at times, but the flip side is when she’s up, she’s awesome – and she’s so enthusiastic about life. I can take her anywhere and we’ll find fun.
  • I came across this video showing everyday life in Sweden during the pandemic. It felt surprisingly shocking, and it really hit home how quickly and fully I (and presumably everyone else) have been conditioned to fear proximity to others. I felt if you put me in that shopping mall or one of those restaurants, I might have a panic attack. It’s hard to imagine how we could get back to such normality, and they have never stopped!

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Saturday 30 May

  • All three of us went to Silverknowes this morning after I had done some shopping. The tide was about half way out and there were plenty of warm shallow pools to walk through. We all had some ice cream. The cafe had run out of cones and several ice cream flavours, so they seem to be doing OK!
  • I sat in our drying green on a swing seat for about an hour, sunbathing and finishing off yesterday’s blog. It’s a small shared garden behind the flats – not much direct sunlight, a bit overgrown, and used by about four dogs so not that pleasant. I hardly ever go there. I could smell dog poo from the swing seat. But I wanted to enjoy the  weather, and didn’t want to waste part of my free hour walking to the park and back.
  • We were overdue for a clear-out and big tidy-up, and the addition of Eilidh’s birthday presents has pushed the chaos to a new level, so we made a start today. I came across a whole load of medicine spoons and syringes, strange mementos from so many stressful spells. Ear infections being the vast majority of them. It’s about a year since she last had any antibiotics. I might be “recovered”, anxiety-wise, but I really don’t think I could go through all that again.
  • I was taking food out of the freezer this evening and Eilidh was “helping” me. I passed her a packet of veggie sausages, and proceeded to sort out fish fingers for her. By the time I was done, the sausages were nowhere to be seen. I asked her where she’d put them but she didn’t seem to know. Andy and I both spent several minutes searching the flat for this packet of frozen veggie sausages. I eventually spotted them under the kitchen worktop, on top of the dishwasher. It was just luck that I happened to look in that direction from far enough away…!

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