I’m going to be a bit more vulnerable in this post than I usually am.
I have gone through some quite monumental – and largely positive – changes over the past year. I tend to look back and feel stupid, and ashamed, for having tried to shoehorn myself into a life that so obviously (in retrospect) didn’t fit. And so it is that I have been busy blotting out the more conservative, emotionally-driven, idealistic person that I think I used to be; hiding all the incriminating evidence, flushing my ideals down the toilet as fast as I can before anyone sees them. 😆 It embarrasses me that I’ve been too weak of heart to look an uncaring universe in the eye.
And yet no-one really becomes a different person overnight. Yes, I was trying too hard to be something I was not – but something motivated me to do that; something I am now doing my best to deny. So even now I guess I am not accepting who I really am. I am idealising yet another way-of-being, and once again, falling short of it.
Because the truth is, I still sometimes long to see a convincing demonstration that the world is perfect – not for the sake of defending a supposed creator, but because I still find a world that isn’t “good” difficult to swallow. I listen to many inspiring songs about the world and life being wonderful… but how can I honestly share the sentiment when 1/5 of Pakistan is under water?
I have, in the past, been quite a negative person, feeling that life is a wild water ride and I am barely hanging on. This year I have been happier than anyone expected me to be under the circumstances; I would go as far as to say, I have been the happiest and most positive I have ever been! I have recognised that good has come out of my struggles, mistakes and disappointments in that they have forced me to discover how flexible, resilient and resourceful I can be. They have made me a kinder, more loving and less needy person. They have made me more adventurous, more “bring it on!”
I have felt good because I seem to be improving my technique on this wild water ride and that makes my life feel meaningful. But I still struggle with that sense of meaning. I understand that I could still be floored by factors totally out of my control. Not everyone is capable of keeping their head above the water, even if I am, which makes feeling positive about life seem selfish and a slap in the face to people who don’t have the luxury of it.
I cannot dare to say that life is wonderful unless I am convinced there is a way for every person to have a decent life; unless there is a happy ending I can believe in. Or at least, the possibility of a happy ending that I can do something to help bring about. This is what religious beliefs tend to offer, and maybe it is what made them attractive to me.
Maybe I will learn to stop asking these irrelevant philosophical questions, stop expecting to make sweeping statements about life or the world, and just appreciate what I can appreciate and feel sad about the sad things and generally not take it all so seriously. Perfectionism and idealism seem to be the root cause of most of my negativities and, also, of my flirtations with religion. I think these also contribute to a tendency for being a seer rather than a craftsperson, so… whatever, right?! It would be silly to become idealistic about being non-idealistic. 😉
The world doesn’t end just because I crave a final answer and I can’t find one. I guess I will just get comfortable with this state of affairs. 😀